9 Mildly Annoying Things on Social Media

Social media is a funny old thing - we spend a significant proportion of our lives on it updating our fans (read: your mum, dad, cousin-twice-removed and three besties), yet there is so much about it that infuriates us.

A pal of mine whatsapped me this week (hey Fran), tamping, fuming, raging (because she's Welsh) at all the annoying people on her Facebook and Instagram feed, requesting that I do a blog post about it. Seeing as she'd already done half the work for me reeling off five things that get her goat the most, I thought, why not?

The inspirational quoter
Poor Marilyn Monroe, she's been quoted in Comic Sans, photoshopped onto a database image of a girl looking a bit sad and shared by emotionally scorned women worldwide, for something she probably didn't say.
Audrey Hepburn once said "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible!'". Yeah, let me share that to my Instagram because I'm a sass queen! Who cares if I've been in bed all day and Netflix has already asked me three times if I'm still watching. Get off my back, 'flix, I'm gunna be possible when I've finished this meat feast pizza, garlic bread and six seasons of House of Cards, OK?

The live-update Instagrammer
But did you really go on holiday/travelling if you didn't update your Instagram and Snapchat every hour of the day with pics and vids of you having all the fun? The answer is yes. Put your phone down and upload later when you've found yourself.

The Herbalife/Juiceplus rep
I know it is 'clinically proven' to burn fat, boost brain function, improve skin/hair and give you Kylie Jenner lips and night vision (right?), I still don't want to buy your funny green stuff, sorry. But hey, who cares if you piss off absolutely everyone on your friends list trying to flog stuff nobody wants, you've got enough diet pills to tranquillize an elephant!

The one with a minor injury
With increased camera quality on modern smartphones, comes with it the ability for hypochondriacs to zoom in on their slightly red knees, which might turn into a bruise if enough people comment 'omg hope ur ok babes!!'. Unless your ailment has put you in hospital, man up pal.

The cryptic Facebook status-er
Lisa is pissed off. Lisa wants people to know that she might be pissed off  but pigs will fly before she tells them personally. Instead Lisa posts 'Some friend YOU are!' as her Facebook status, and judges her tru m8s based on who comments 'u ok hun?' the fastest.

The one who may or may not be a cat/dog/baby
Yes, your pet/small human is really cute, but your face is nice too. Why is a blue-eyed 6-month-old baby staring back at me when I decide to Facebook stalk my mate Sarah? Either the ability to change profile picture now comes before crawling in normal human development, or someone's gone completely gaga. Or googoo, whichever babies say.

The embarrassing mum
You know the deal, you post what you think is a banging selfie bound for glory and at least 50 likes, then your mum swoops in with 'I remember when you were 12 with greasy hair and had a wall full of Avril Lavigne posters PMSL!!!'. Mum please, I reputation to uphold, can u not.

The gym-bunny
A video of a perma-tanned beefcake grunting in a squat rack comes pretty low down the list of things I'm interested in watching. Unless it includes a backflip after a burpee,  gym insta-vids are about as dull as the dinner guest who announces 'I'm eating clean at the moment actually, I'll just have the side salad'.

The club promoter
Yay notification... oh, it's an invitation to 'Bumslap Bristol' or another suggestively-named club night, with an appearance from Danny Dyer or a Z-list from Geordie Shore/Ex on the Beach. It's the fourth time you've been invited this week - 'YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS THIS!!', exclaims the promoter, which presumably means Charlotte Crosby falling over after too many VK blues. I think I'd rather stay in watching OITNB, thanks...

Phew...rant over :-)


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